1/09/2008

Destruyendo mitos: juegos de seducción

Justo cuando hubo gente que se dignó a comentar en el post anterior, la realidad (esa que avanza incesantemente dandonos ideas para poder postear) hizo su trabajo y nos presentó dos notas imperdibles en nuestro querido portal Minutouno. La primera (de imperdible título) se trata sobre los trucos de levante para los hombres en la playa y la segunda es para que las chicas se desenvuelvan en el arte de la seducción en el mismo contexto.
Como los más asiduos sabrán, este tipo de decálogos despiertan notablemente mi creatividad y me han llevado a crear una sección llamada 'Destruyendo mitos'. Repasemos algunos de los consejos:
Consejos para hombres: En la playa
-''En la playa el hombre tiene que tomar la iniciativa y acercarse a “una enorme cantidad de mujeres”. La mejor manera de hacerlo es abriendo bien los brazos para acaparar la mayor cantidad de individuos posibles. Luego de hacer el rastrillaje, se descartan a las menores de edad y se procede a la conquista(?)
- ''Es recomendable ubicarse cerca de un grupo de mujeres y decirles, por ejemplo: "¿Me cuidan la toalla que voy al agua? Les pago US$ 1.000". Eso! nada mejor que ir deslizando el tema del pago a cambio de algo!! quizás resulten ser prostitutas y la tarea se nos haga más fácil
-''El paso siguiente, al regresar del mar y una vez que se rompió el hielo, es convidarles mate. Esa táctica nunca falla.'' Solo puede fallar si efectivamente te tomaron en serio y quieren cobrar los mil dolares prometidos
-''Otra opción es recoger caracoles y decirles: “Chicas, quién se cortó las uñas, miren que uñas tan grandes”. Ellas suelen reírse y divertirse.'' Si, es cierto, suele reírse y divertise... si no tienen más de 5 años o un coeficiente intelectual equiparable!
-''También se puede hacer malabarismo para llamar la atención de las chicas'' despues del chiste de las uñas y esto van a pensar que sos Piñón Fijo.. y quien te dice que algo ganes
-''Este tipo de tácticas se pueden llevar a cabo en soledad o acompañado de amigos.'' seguramente a medida que las vayas implementando la soledad sea lo que prevalezca pero bueno, por algo estás haciendo malabares y cantando el 'chuchu ua'...
-''En el mar se pueden hacer pruebas acrobáticas como subirse arriba de un amigo y tirarse para atrás, dando una vuelta.'' Ok, lo de Piñón Fijo no resultó pero no te preocupes: ser como un delfín de Mundo Marino sí puede dartelos! eso si efectivamente hacemos bien la pirueta y no nos rompemos la jeta contra el fondo del mar... estoy pensado que, de acuerdo a estas personas, los tipos que más deben ganar minas son los malabaristas que están en los semáforos
-''Si les gusta la guitarra pueden llevarla a la playa para compartir la música con el sexo opuesto. “La personalidad de artista atrae a las mujeres” Es cierto, Spinetta siempre cuenta el chiste de los caracoles en sus shows y aunque no lo crean, Sabato es un gran malabarista... De todas formas es necesaria la guitarra: el 'chuchu ua' no pega cantado a capella
-''Jamás deben ir de jean y camisa porque “sos un desubicado”. No me jodas!! en serio!??! y yo que pensaba en ir a laburar en malla y musculosa...
En el boliche
-''Imprescindible estar completamente limpio, no tener transpiración, estar bien afeitado y "tener aliento fresco'' Si alguien necesita este tipo de consejo ya sabemos porque hasta ahora no levantaba nada
-''En la barra los varones se pueden acercar a un grupo y decirles: “Chicas, me invitan un champagne ustedes que son tan buenas” y tus chances de obtener uno dependerán tanto por tu enorme facha como por tu parecido a Hugo Moyano, a lo cual las chicas se asustarán por miedo a represalias
-''También se puede contar chistes. No es importante cómo puede ser tomado el mismo, sino como ellas responden.'' No es acaso lo mismo?????
-'' Hay que evitar las frases y los lugares comunes. Prohibido decir y preguntar: ¡Qué linda que sos!, ¿venís siempre acá?.'' No claaaaro porque el del champagne es nuevisimo y ha sido el secreto mejor guardado desde hace siglos. Esa es la que tiraba James Bond para levantarse todas las minas que se levanta en las películas...

Consejos para las mujeres: En la playa
-''Primero hay que tener en cuenta que no todas las mujeres tienen las piernas de Dolores Barreiro ni los pechos de Pamela David. Por eso es importante aceptarse como una es, sin fingir ningún personaje'' Además si fueses Dolores Barreiro o Pamela David tendrías que ir con guardaespaldas a la playa
-''Hay que sacarse el pareo recién cuando ya le entraron a los chicos por otro lado que no sea el físico.'' o sea, cuando ya se rieron falsamente del chiste de los caracoles y quieren callarlo, nada mejor que una mostradita de culo
-''Pueden comprar el diario deportivo Olé para sentarse en un lugar bien visible simulando que están interesadas en la nueva incorporación de tal equipo. “Van a tener a los tipos asombrados y ellos caen como chorlitos” Igual no exageren comentando en voz alta: ''Che vistessss quien es el nuevo refuerzo de Acasuso???'' De todas formas: no decía en el punto 1 que no había que fingir ningún personaje???
-'' Es interesante llevar una heladerita completa con fiambres y huevo duro. Cuando avisoran a alguien que les interese le pueden decir: ¿Querés que te prepare un sándwich?. '' A mi si una mina con la que no cruce jamás palabra me viene a ofrecer de la nada un sandwich creo que le tiro arena en los ojos y corro como un condenado
-''Hacerse la torpe con expresiones tales como "se me clavó una astilla o "se me metió arena en la bikini", en todos los casos solicitándoles su ayuda'' Eso si querés que te empernen en medio de Punta Mogotes a la vista de todos los bañistas, bañeros y pirulineros de la Costa Atlántica
-''A los hombres les llama la atención las mujeres que cuentan chistes (especialmente los verdes) y anécdotas divertidas'' y ''-Pueden pronunciar expresiones zarpadas como: ¿queres que te sostenga el choclo?'' Ok, donde quedó eso de 'hacerse la torpe'!?!?!? congéneres: imaginense que van caminando por la playa con su choclo recién adquirido y una chica que no conocen les dice:''veni papi que te sostengo el choclo mientras lees el Olé que compré y te preparo un sanguich''.. seamos sinceros, no les daría cosita???
En el boliche:
- “Si un tipo te encara a las cinco de la mañana sos claramente material de outlet. Si te queda un resabio de dignidad, hacete la linda y retirate sola. No cometas la indignidad de irte con un tipo a esa hora” eso, viene Brad Pitt tipo 5 y media, bastante en pedo y te dice que te quiere hacer un pibe (africano por supuesto sino no vale) vos decile que no
-''Hacerse la inexperta en materia de alcohol, acercarse a la barra y preguntarles: ¿Qué lleva tal trago?'' eso, o repetir lo del choclo y tocándole la entrepierna a su interlocutor
-''Si no tienen pechos grandes, es importante colocarse un buen push up'' y -''Colocarse pantalón elastizado para levantar la cola hasta la barbilla.'' y si tienen buenas tetas, dejarlas al aire como en cualquier programa de 'Wild on' de E!
-''Colocarse los tacos aguja porque "a los hombres los excita mucho". Claro despues del push up y los pantalones elastizados, en lo primero en lo que se fija un hombre es en los zapatos(?)
-''Utilizar maquillaje a prueba de agua para evitar sorpresas desagradables'' y si, nunca se sabe cuando el comentario del choclo puede dar resultados.....

56 comentarios:

Dr. Strangelove dijo...

disculpen la expresión.. pero qué hijos de puta! son terribles esas notas..
a los pibes les dicen que hagan hasta el ridículo, (salto para atrás en el mar? no suena a "mamá mamá mira lo que hago!!"??)digan boludeces, etc
a las minas les dicen primero que se acepten como son, pero después si no tenés tetas o culo parado, arreglalo como puedas porque sino no te va a querer nadie!
es maravilloso! me reí mucho con la gran cantidad de pelotudeces que dicen.
Y del post anterior (que no llegué a comentar) digo: basta de televisión de aire en verano! que la suspendan directamente.
No me pude reir tanto con el título 'Cobras y lagartos, el perfume del amor'

santic dijo...

si cualquiera de estas cosas funciona voy a perder las pocas esperanzas que me quedan en el genero humano

Diana dijo...

No era para reírse. El "aguante Cobras y Lagartos" es un aguante explícito. Veo la novela y me encanta! los malos y los buenudos están tan bien definidos. La historia de amor es bella. Y habla de las miserias humanas y el deseo de poder y dinero casi llevado al absurdo. Además de tener ese costado de culebrón sin la irritabilidad que producen los venezolanos.
Bueno, después de esta reseña de la novela tengo que decir que estos "tips" de conquista me recuerdan mucho a la Cosmopolitan. Esa revista es sencillamente patética e inverosímil. Pero por qué renegar del pasado. Las mujeres todas (no todas, pero en realidad sí) hemos tenido nuestra etapa Cosmo, delirante y rococó. Y en mi caso un presente (a propósito de Cobras y Lagartos)proclive al culebrón, siempre que sea en otras lenguas y pese a los pésimos doblajes en neutro.

Boquita De Miel dijo...

Me rei como una loca con este post. Mi humilde colaboración es: si sos feo buscate una fea, otra no te queda. Así me cuentes todo el repertorio de Les luthier, Gioia y Seinfeld no te toco ni con un palo. jajajaja!,No se quien le hizo creer a los hombres que preferimos a alguien gracioso. Si es amargado, lindo y con plata no me ofendo. Si es lindo y ridículo como para caerse con una guitarra, me molesta... Y podría seguir toda la madrugada dando ejemplos, pero tengo sueño.

santic dijo...

yo tendria que comprar la Cosmo para asegurarme un post por mes... pero la verdad que no da ir al kiosko de revistas a pedirla (tampoco creo que mi cabeza aguante navegar por notas con titulos del estilo 'como bajar 10 kilos comiendo guano de murcielago')

boquita: es cierto, lo de ser gracioso esta sobrevalorado. igual lo jodido es cuando hay gente que se confunde 'gracioso' con 'payaso', que es cuando se roza la verguenza (como lo que plantean los gansos de las notas del post)

pd:si es lindo amargado y sin plata, no?

Dr. Strangelove dijo...

son gustos, no?
asi que tocar la guitarra es ridículo?
bueno, por suerte soy lindo, gracioso y millonario

CresceNet dijo...
Este blog ha sido eliminado por un administrador de blog.
Miss Betty dijo...

Y vos pagarías 1000 dolares para que te cuiden la toalla? JA!

Vecky dijo...

Buenísimo el post.. me encantó, me rei mucho, bsito!

santic dijo...

betty: es millonario pero no boludo! o como crees que hizo su fortuna!?! a lo sumo pagaria 200 o 300 USS (?)

vecky: me alegro que te haya gustado el post. espero que estes aplicando todas las enseñanzas aqui vertidas(?)

Diana dijo...

Si estoy en la costa significa que la noche anterior salí y como en vacaciones uno vuelve a la etapa hormonal y etílica de la adolescencia, la compañía más corpórea en la arena es la resaca. O sea que aunque seas lindo, con o sin guitarra, me molesta tu presencia. Qué es eso de encarar en la playa!. Como en el sur no se estila porque por lo general nos conocemos todos, debo decir que la primera experiencia la viví el verano pasado en San Bernardo. En todo caso si es millonario le doy una tarjetita y hablamos en otra ocasión, más fresca y con más ánimo de conquista.

Dr. Strangelove dijo...

yo hice mi fortuna cuidando toallas en santa teresita
claro que no fue por lo que me pagaban, sino por lo que me afanaba mientras la gente se refrescaba en el mar

santic dijo...

ay Diane! pero si uno va a la costa, en donde va a realizar approachs si no es en la playa???
la playa es un lugar ideal para comenzar relaciones afectivas(?) de distinto tipo con el proposito de que duren lo que dura una quincena
el clima es mas distendido que en el boliche y otorga varias alternativas... tales como hacer malabares o preguntar si queres sostenerle el choclo a un desconocido

pd:el comentario que borre era de spam asi que no se preocupen que sus derechos civiles son y seran respetados

Cambalache emocional dijo...

Che, me parece poco femenino lo del Ole en la playa...

Ary dijo...

Después vienen las encuestas: ¿es usted apto para un levante en la playa?

santic dijo...

las encuestas son gloriosas!! no solo por las tematicas que abarcan sino por las opciones de respuesta que presentan. igual lo que nunca entendi es lo que hace Clarin, que pregunta sobre un tema (por ej celulares) y pone como opcion 'no tengo celular'... si no tenes celular que carajo me importa a los efectos de la encuesta??? si fuese un censo sobre celulares vaya y pase, pero de esta manera no me cierra

emotional cambalach(?): sabe' que pasa? a uno le gussssta el fulbo entonces nos gussstan la mina atorranta, esa que muestran el culo y las teta. que no son como la vieja que e' lo' ma' grande que uno tiene en la vida, viste?
y lo de las chicas que podemos decir? es su trabajo... despues salen a decir que buscan a un chico sensible y no se que pindonga mas para encamarse con el primer 'empresario' que se les cruza... que rotulo difuso el de 'empresario', no? siempre salen con un 'empresario'. cuando va a aparecer en Gente un epigrafe de una foto que diga: ''Diosa total. Luli Salazar acaparó todas las miradas en Punta. Igual está muy bien acompañada por su novio 'profesional con relacion de dependencia' ''

Gordi dijo...

jaaaaa jaaaaaaaaaa

ni en pedo me voy a fumar la olé para hablar con un nabo que se hace el salame en la playa.. si quiere hablar de fútbol que lo haga con sus amigos... y que use su imaginación y sus chistes graciosos para buscar otro tema de conversación.

Tampoco voy a andar cargando una heladerita con comida, si total tengo que buscar uno que se compre un choclo... sino en que momento le pregunto cuando se lo sostengo eh?? eh??

Me mató lo de que a las 5 sos material de outlet... y si el vago entro a las 4?? y que tengo que ir vestida como trola al boliche...

La playa es lindo lugar para encarar, la unica idea buena es la de los mates, pero si te pones solo a hacer la sartas de gansadas que decía la nota no te levantás ni a la mañana!!!!!!


Santic me rei mucho..

ya ando por baires

beso

Miss Betty dijo...

AACTUALIZACIONNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:p

...lala dijo...

No sé ni cómo llegué aquí pero me reí mucho con este post...
Saludos

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